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Length: Oneshot
Rating: PG-13Genre: non-au, romance, slight angst
Summary: Yunho was everything to Jaejoong.
In 2001, Jaejoong was drawn into cute teeth and small eyes. Yunho left an impression on him. Yunho was charming and kind and liked to kick rocks into the gutter whenever there was a lull in their conversation. Yunho had messy brown hair and an adorable nose and he was tall.
Jaejoong felt nervous whenever their eyes met, but it was a good kind of nervous. He liked the strange little flutter in his heart and the way his palms began to sweat when Yunho touched his shoulder and pulled him close. Yunho was handsome. Yunho had lots of friends and was well liked and Yunho was on his mind all night.
He had to tell his girlfriend that he was late not because he met a really cool guy on the way to the supermarket during a fist fight, but because the line was long.
Jaejoong hated lying but he hated not understanding his own feelings either.
When Jaejoong met Yunho again six months later, he was in awe. “you again, hahaha!” and a fist bump and a hand shake and then Yunho pulled him into a hug, and Jaejoong quickly pulled away because his heart was beginning to slam painfully against his chest. Jaejoong smiled at him, nervous and fidgety, biting his lip and looking at the messy haired brunet through his eyelashes. Yunho was even taller, so tall and Jaejoong eyed his shoulders, so broad and—
“We met again. This is probably fate!”
Jaejoong let out a laugh, wiping his clammy hands on his jeans and finding it hard to walk. His legs had turned into jelly, and then he remembered that restless night he had six months ago, thinking about this same boy, thinking about how handsome and cool he was, how popular he was, how loved he was—
“Do you want to join me and my friends to hang out?”
“Yeah, okay,”
Jaejoong forgot that night that he had made plans with his girlfriend, a girl who had already threatened to break up with him once.
Jaejoong stopped relying on all of the old things that made him happy, because training with Yunho almost every day was happiness itself. The stress, all the pressure from those around him—nothing was felt when he was sitting next to Yunho, looking into his eyes and talking about nothing yet everything. When it was raining outside, Jaejoong found sunlight in reaching a hand up and playfully ruffling Yunho’s hair. Jaejoong found sunlight in taking a towel and wiping the sweat away from Yunho’s forehead. Jaejoong found sunlight in brushing away stray hairs from Yunho’s eyes. Jaejoong found sunlight—no the sun, in Yunho’s smile.
And then eventually, with every passing day, every day of smiling and laughing and interlocking their fingers and brushing away dirt from each other’s clothes—Yunho became Jaejoong’s sun.
When Yunho was wrapping his arms around his shoulders and patting his back because he had broken up with his girlfriend, Jaejoong felt like he should have felt a sense of longing towards her. But yet, all he felt was a sense of contentment. A sense of joy as he buried his face into Yunho’s shoulder and gripped the back of the brunet’s jacket, closing his eyes. By now, he had gotten used to the feeling of his heart beginning to thud a little quicker than normal.
Yunho pulled away slightly, and looked right into his eyes, and said, “It’s going to be okay.”
And as Jaejoong stared back, a lump forming in his throat, he realized Yunho coming into his life was the biggest blessing he could ask for.
“I know,” He whispered, and with a soft smile, he curled back into the hug.
When on certain days after their debut it felt like his life was falling apart from stress, all Jaejoong had to do was lean back and feel the warmth of Yunho’s chest, the brunet’s arms loosely around his waist as they spooned, watching some channel on the TV that had the volume so low it was obvious neither were actually paying attention to it.
Yunho’s arms tightening around his waist was when Jaejoong felt like all the pieces of his life joined back together. Jaejoong was able to forget being scolded by his elders. Jaejoong was able to forget the hate comments. Jaejoong was able to forget the arguments he was having with his family.
Jaejoong was able to forget everything for a while, because Yunho’s arms around him made his mind go blank and nothing was left but contentment. He closed his eyes, hands finding Yunho’s, and his lips cracked into a small smile when he felt the brunet nuzzle his neck as their fingers naturally interlocked.
They had the place to themselves, and sometimes Jaejoong liked to think of a world where it was just him and Yunho.
But then there were other days. Where Yoochun or Junsu or Changmin walked into the room and Jaejoong felt like it wasn’t normal. His throat would tighten and his breath would hitch and he would yank his hands away from Yunho’s and move away in a rush, his cheeks red and his eyes panicked. He would place a pillow between them and not look at Yunho until whoever it was left the room, and then Yunho would look at him, an expression that was so blank that Jaejoong thought of it so much, his heart panging at night when he wasn’t able to sleep.
On days like that, Jaejoong didn’t talk to Yunho. They avoided each other. Jaejoong cooked for him but slid the plate on the table and left to his room without a word. Yunho passed him a towel in the bathroom when he had forgotten it and Jaejoong watched him play video games but refuse the offer when asked to play together.
There was a fear in everything he did on days like these. They were his least favorite days, because he needed Yunho. When Jaejoong lost hope in everything else, he had Yunho.
And when Yunho wasn’t there? Jaejoong stared at walls and then became scared.
It was a realization that was slowly coming to him, but even then he didn’t like to think about it too much.
“They can’t be away from each other. You don’t think its weird?”
“I—I don’t know. They’re just really close, I mean—“
“Jaejoong hyung is attached to him. Like Yunho hyung can go a day without him at least.”
Jaejoong stepped into the room loudly, and Changmin and Yoochun quietened immediately. He said nothing at first, waiting for them to say something, an explanation, but they stayed silent.
“Why are you talking about me like that? Can’t you talk to me directly without like.. saying stuff behind my back?”
“It’s nothing bad hyung,” Changmin hurriedly had explained, and Jaejoong stared at him with such hurt eyes that guilt had immediately swept over the younger’s expression. “I’m sorry—I just feel like you wouldn’t be comfortable talking about it yourself, you know—“
“Comfortable talking about what? My friendship with Yunho? So what’s wrong with that?” The words came out hot, angry, and Jaejoong didn’t even let them say anything, everything poured out all at once, “And what do you mean Yunho can go a day without me at least? Are you saying that I can’t? I can, okay? I’m not relying on him all the time, my life doesn’t revolve around him. We are friends and that’s it, I can go many days without him, do you think everything I do in my life is to impress him?! Well it’s not, okay? And maybe you should stop talking about things you don’t even know like this.”
It was like everything he had said were words to convince his own self otherwise. But Jaejoong turned around and stormed away, ashamed, bitter, upset, his eyes wet from anger and self-loathing.
Jaejoong deprived himself from happiness on the following days. He watched his hair get dyed a platinum blond, and then he had nobody to gush over it to. He closed the curtains on the sunlight that was bringing joy into life, all because he was ashamed. Ashamed of the fact that he felt so much attachment to Yunho, when the other boy probably felt not even half as much. Insecurities were the only things that were on Jaejoong’s mind, and when people told him he was beautiful, when he was gorgeous and talented and adorable, and blogs posted his pictures with nice comments—Jaejoong couldn’t get himself to feel happy about what he had always dreamed of. He had dreamed of being recognized, of being fawned over, and now suddenly everything felt like nothing. Everything felt worthless, and for the first time since deciding to become a singer, Jaejoong questioned it all. He hated the storm and the rain that was flooding his mind every day and he hated the flashes of cameras in his face and nosy questions and fans pushing him in airports but he didn’t hate anything as much as he hated his own self. It was funny how the only person who could put his pieces together was the reason his life had fallen apart.
And for the first time, as well, in a long time—Jaejoong cried.
He buried his face in his knees and sobbed, his whole body shaking. The pain he felt was stronger than any pain he had felt before. It was sharp and full of miserable thoughts and regrets and insecurities, and Jaejoong tried to believe that everything would leave as soon as he cried it all away. But it didn’t. It was clawing at him and taunting him and making him feel like there was no end to it. It felt like a slow burn throughout his chest, all the way up to his head where all his harsh words to himself came from. It hurt more and more and more and more and—
then all at once, it stopped.
Jaejoong paused, his breath shaking as he felt the hand on his shoulder tighten. And then Yunho sat down, besides him, their shoulders touching and lifted his face away from his knees.
Jaejoong stared at Yunho, all snotty and teary and red nosed and swollen eyed and i look disgusting, and he tried to turn away but Yunho cupped his cheeks.
He had no choice but to look into Yunho’s eyes. After what seemed like a long moment, Yunho wiped away the mess on his face and Jaejoong had no time to react, not even a breath—before the brunet leaned in, and kissed him.
Jaejoong froze.
But then he felt sunlight touch him, and Jaejoong relaxed, his eyes closing.
Yunho kissed him like he was the most beautiful person in the world. Yunho kissed him like he sang like an angel. Yunho kissed him like he actually mattered, and Jaejoong felt tears prick his eyes behind his eyelids but the good kind. The happy kind, the kind that was relieved as he felt every insecurity leaving him one by one.
Jaejoong deepened the kiss, his arms wrapping around Yunho’s shoulders.
It didn’t matter if he relied on Yunho. It didn’t matter if he was attached. He had every right to be. Yunho was the most important person in his life, and when they pull away, their noses brushing, Jaejoong for the first time, realized that he was in love with Yunho.
The days, the months after that, Jaejoong thought more about himself than he ever had. He thought what it meant to be in love with a man. He thought what it meant to be in love with a man in a homophobic country. He thought about Yunho, and he smiled. And then he thought about kissing Yunho, and he rolled over and buried his face in a pillow and grinned a little, and then the next day came and Jaejoong saw grey clouds all over again.
“He got a girlfriend,” Yoochun said, “Not a celebrity, but she’s pretty.”
Jaejoong knew he had to stop for a moment and realize that Yunho had his own thoughts too. He had no idea what was going through the other male’s mind and it was probably just as hard for him. So Jaejoong didn’t cry, but he didn’t smile at the news either. He just nodded, and tried to be understanding.
It was a lot easier on him when he left the apartment the day Yunho invited his girlfriend over for dinner. Nobody was angry at him, the other three thought it was an emergency and Yunho—well, Yunho understood.
Jaejoong didn’t know what to do with himself. Him getting a girlfriend would not work out, because Jaejoong had no interests in anyone but Yunho. So he decided to wait it out.
But days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months. Jaejoong saw Yunho’s girlfriend more and more, and one day when he found her drinking out of his cup on an uneventful afternoon, Jaejoong exploded. As soon as she left, he threw things and hit Yunho and shoved him and cried and stop trying to replace me! and then rushed out of the apartment. He turned his phone off, pulled a mask over his mouth, tugged his beanie down and took a bus straight to his home town. He needed his family.
Jaejoong came back with news of having a girlfriend. The three congratulated him but Yunho just sighed. Jaejoong spent hours on thinking about what that sigh meant and he decided that it didn’t matter. He had a girlfriend who he was supposed to love.
Grey clouds became a familiarity. Jaejoong found no joy in kissing someone that was not Yunho. Jaejoong watched petals fall from the flowers he gifted her and nothing but bitterness filled his mind when he had to disguise himself just to go on a date with her. He thought about how if he wanted to go on a date with Yunho, they could go carelessly and dismiss it as two friends hanging out. And then he realized he was thinking about Yunho while holding his girlfriend in the backseat of his car, and he tried to smile when she told him she loved him.
“I love you too,”
No words Jaejoong had ever spoken had felt as empty as those.
A lot of time went like that. Maybe it just seemed like a lot of time because Jaejoong realized he was still blond while looking in the mirror, and that he was still in love with Yunho.
Yunho got hurt from a fan one day and Jaejoong cried just as hard as his last break down. The three told him that hyung is going to be okay, he just needs rest but Jaejoong refused to leave Yunho’s hospital room. He rested his forehead on Yunho’s cold hand and let the tears drip. The nurses left the room and Jaejoong didn’t care what anyone thought about him.
He didn’t eat anything. He only took a few sips of water and warily watched the nurses poke all kind of things into Yunho. The three left to get him some new clothes and food, even though Jaejoong told them that he was fine. The manager tried to yank him away from Yunho but Jaejoong snapped, and he got hit.
And even then, he didn’t budge. He stayed put, his cheek red, his eyes cold and holding no warmth. The manager left, and eventually it was just him and Yunho in the room. And when Yunho woke up the next day, Jaejoong told him that he loved him, and that i have never loved anyone the way i love you
Yunho stared at him for a long time. And then he asked, “What do you want to do?”
“I want to be with you. I will protect you. I will not let anything like this happen again, I promise,” Jaejoong felt the tears welling up in his eyes again as he held Yunho’s hand with both of his own. He was so relieved that Yunho was okay, that he was okay enough to look at him and blink and think and
“Okay.”
Jaejoong saw no grey clouds for a long time. He forgot what they looked and felt like. He was bathing in sunlight. He was getting kisses every day and hugs and even switching rooms with Yoochun to be with Yunho.
Yunho was his favorite person in the world. He loved waking up earlier than the brunet and pressing kisses to his neck. He loved taking a bite out of Yunho’s food just for the fun of it. He loved making the sheets together with Yunho, and watching the other bed become abandoned with clothes. He loved towelling Yunho’s hair dry. He loved holding hands with Yunho when merely walking to the living room together.
He loved Yunho, and just like that, time passed with interlocked fingers and lips brushing against lips. Whenever Jaejoong had those days, days that just came for no reason other than to taunt him with insecurities, he had Yunho. He had Yunho’s kisses and Yunho’s gentle words and Yunho’s soothing touch and everything was okay again.
Nothing had ever been better.
And then one day, when Jaejoong and Yunho came home from an award show, feeling on top of the world because of winning a great award—the three asked them if they wanted to come for drinks with the staff.
And Yunho and Jaejoong looked at each other, and then at the others, and shook their heads.
As soon as the door shut, Jaejoong let go of any nervousness.
“I am all yours,” he breathed, wanting Yunho to have every part of him. The brunet held his waist, and then his hands slipped under Jaejoong’s shirt and nervously brushed his fingers over every inch of soft skin. Jaejoong let Yunho do whatever he wanted, he couldn’t even feel the ground anymore.
Jaejoong felt a connection that he had never felt before. Being joined with Yunho, physically and emotionally, with his arms wrapped around Yunho’s shimmering back, legs around his waist, Jaejoong thanks whatever it was that brought him together to Yunho.
“I love you,” Jaejoong whispered into Yunho’s ear as they made love, and Yunho showed his own love in return by appreciating every single part of him, and when they press their foreheads together and breathe in union, Jaejoong says words he knows are completely true, words he will never take back or regret.
“I will never stop loving you.”
A/N: *i left out some things. like dangerous love, mkmf hug, bonjour paris, all that good stuff but i kinda wrote this in a non stop flow so none of those popped up DXXXX
*this is still a fic. the poision incident, the street fight, and some other things are real. but not everything is, just my add on. btw i know some posts say yunho saved jae from a street fight but others say they just met at one. i decided to go with the 2nd for this fic
everything is in jae's pov. yunho's thoughts and feelings are not mentioned, and i don't write about what yoosumin think either, which is why they are written as just 'the three' bc this whole fic is in the eyes of jae, and his love for yunho. neither of the gfs are mentioned as well.
I love yj so much so this was very nice to write. AND YAS I DO BELIEVE HE LOVES YUNHO THIS MUCH OK XDDD
BTW. this fic ends at mkmf 2008 because i don't want to continue with angst at the lawsuit. hell naaaa!!!! those of you who have read my other fics probably wanna hit me bc this is the one fic of mine with angst and no fluff in it. well very little fluff XDDDD BUT.
i can... if you want.... continue after the lawsuit. like i will fast foward to 2014 or smth :))))) if you want, that is. EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE OK THIS IS A LONG A/N BYE
pls tell me what you think of this fic!!! :D i love reading your comments. thank you so much for reading and leaving love <333333333333333333333333333
(btw this fic's picture makes me wanna cry everytime i look at it)
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